GRAS(S)ED UP

GRAS, the small feminist lobby group, has begun an amusing and utterly predictable campaign to stop Richard Chartres becoming the ABC. Its members have been urged to write to Number 10 and fulminate against the wicked sexist CofE which is exempt from the Sex Discrimination Act and (so far) the European Human Rights catch-all legislation. Tony must be told that, under no circumstances, can he appoint RC (the only kosher candidate for the job).

Meanwhile a senior Forward in Faith Council member has written to the People ’s Tony reminding him of the Act of Synod and the fact that, as he may have noticed, his wife goes to a Church which has no truck with women priests at all.

30 Days can assure both parties that they are wasting their time. The post will go, as always under New Labour, to the best candidate for the job. The man chosen is always the one with the greatest gifts (to New Labour).

HARD UP?

The finances of the Church of England are about to undergo a radical transformation – for the better. . The new ‘Bursar ’ is to be one Andreas Whitham-Smith who claims to be ‘not as daunted as perhaps he should be ‘ by the post of Third Estates Commissioner. ‘Witters ’, the son of a clergyman, made his name by founding The Independent which rapidly became the most anti-Christian (and unsuccessful) broadsheet in Fleet Street.

Nothing daunted he moved on to head up the Film Classification Board. Once the post of chief censor, Witter ’s libertarian enthusiasms have unleashed a tide of ‘tasteful ’ titillation in cinemas across the country. His successor will be less a censor more a licensed pornbroker.

As porn obviously pays, can we can look forward to some money spinning productions from Witters and co?

30 Days proudly presents …

‘Danish Deacon on Job ’ (a pictorial romp through the doctrinal suffering caused by Porvoo)

‘The Regina Monologues ’ (A Jubilee celebration of Our Sovereign Lady)

‘Alternative Lifestyles ’ (A day in the life of a ‘C ’ parish)

‘Emmanuelle Rides Again (A Feminist Look at Palm Sunday)

Pass the Kiaora!

LEG UP

Much excitement at Southwark by the Slee when traditionalists crammed the cathedral for Bishop Keith Newton. It was standing room only for the uplifting legal ceremony and no small entertainment it proved.

Uncle George affected surprise and delight that another one of his former curates (Frank White )had been selected for the episcopate. He then shared his view that the CofE was still part of the one Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church before sending off the two bishops to the be out of communion with each other.

The Bishop of Winchester joined St Paul in warning us against ministries of dishonesty, craftiness and deceit, the exposition of which seemed to detain him for a considerable time, in the nave after the service, with a prominent FiF Council member.

The Dean of Southwark urged us to ‘ beat down Satan under our feet ’ – a charming indulgence as he has never believed in her. Perhaps the best moment came from the preacher, Frank White ’s RC brother. He vouchsafed that 20 years ago he had been asked to explain how promotion worked in the CofE.

He did not know the answer then, he told us, and today he was frankly none the wiser. Amen.

PULLED UP

Speculation that the Bishop of London was ‘ changing his mind ’ on priestesses was fuelled by a recent address he gave to a gathering at St Clement Danes. Giving forth on the parable of the Good Samaritan he decided to put the thing into a modern context to aid relevance and understanding.

‘There was a man lying in the gutter when a Vicar passed by, ’ he began, ‘and, having looked, she passed by on the other side. ’

Collapse of congregation.

ROLL UP

The Bishop of Hereford, John Oliver, along with his diocesan synod, has come out in favour of decriminalizing cannabis. He states that he is not convinced by the ‘gateway ’ argument, namely, that cannabis leads on to harder drugs, but was much influenced by the line taken by senior police officers. The good bishop does not seem to understand that, much like the CofE, too many senior officers have been appointed because of their reliable enthusiasm for whatever government policy may be.

Should he find himself following the senior police officer most enthusiastic for liberalizing drug laws, rather than Holy Scripture, Hereford could become a rather interesting diocese. How long, in that event, before the palace becomes the place for a crafty spliff, the delights of anarchy be posted on the diocesan website, and casual sex with complete strangers in public places become an accepted form of ministerial outreach?

COUGH UP

The usual suspects are lining up to ‘dish ’ the Anglican –Methodist unity proposals coming before Synod this July. They claim that the agreement would effectively close the period of reception for women priests. True –but most bishops act as if it closed in 1992 anyway. The opponents claim that it will evacuate Catholic teaching on Holy Orders and Holy Communion of any real meaning. True. But can they not, for once, think of the great sacrament – Money!!

The Methodist Church has an overflowing pension fund, in contrast to ours, and think of all that lovely real estate waiting to be ‘ realized ’ on a merger. The diocesan deficit can be funded for years to come!

SURSUM CORDA

Often accused of sexist schoolboy humour, 30 Days is happy to redress the balance with this item submitted by a young evangelical lady reader.

‘A man went into a lingerie shop to buy a bra for his partner. Befuddled by the amazing range on offer, he sought out an assistant. “Don ’t worry, sir, ” she said, “There are really only four types of bra to choose from. ”

Relieved, the man asked what they were. The assistant replied, “There are Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian and Baptist. ”

The man, confused, asked the difference. “Oh, it ’s really quite simple. The Catholic type support the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills. “’