Britain’s rising number of elderly is becoming a problem. Not only do they block access to services that otherwise could be used by Jamie Oliver’s kitchen brigades of work hungry East Europeans, but the elderly’s fits of muddle-headedness also cause difficulties.

No one is more elderly than God, and if old mortals get confused, how much more can he who is from everlasting suffer? Fortunately he has now got a first rate carer in Archbishop Justin. The Archbishop has realized that, in his muddled state, God got it wrong by invoking wrath upon Sodom and Gomorrah when he should have made Lot do a Boris and march in their Gay Pride processions.

Justin has now apologized for the way in which the Church formerly treated homosexuals. Not that Justin’s apology broke new ground. Archbishops of Canterbury who do so come unstuck – witness Becket and Cranmer. Welby accepted the liberal consensus followed by fellow Etonians, David Cameron and Boris Johnson. State school oiks would say that having been at a public school explains their attitudes, but these sour souls have so many chips on their shoulders that they are unable to shoulder other people’s burdens, such as the discrimination suffered by such oppressed and silenced gays as Elton John, Lord Mandelson and Clare Balding.

Not that Etonians introduced the fashion for apologizing. Fettes-educated Tony Blair first trod the Via Apologia saying that Britain was to blame for the Irish potato famine.

Four apologists – all male. Gender fascism? Step forward St Theresa – of Maidenhead, not Avila. Mrs May apologized for the Tories being the ‘nasty party.’ Result? The Conservatives half won the 2010 election.

For the modern CofE, half of anything is a feast.

Alan Edwards