Perhaps you’ve noticed earnest men and women in light blue berets wandering around your parish. Mormons abandoning their previous formal attire following the smash-hit musical The Book of Mormon? Liberal clerics deciding that blue or pink stocks are so passé and that berets are the ‘in’ fashion?

Wrong on both counts. The newcomers are UN Peace Corps style staff working for the Archbishop’s Director of Reconciliation, Canon David Porter. Justin, being an ex oil exec, will be familiar with the UN’s peace-keeping role. Many oil producing areas are areas of conflict. Add his experience in post-Saddam Iraq and also Nigeria.

Justin obviously thinks that the conflicts in the CofE will make Syria seem like Shangri La. Already there are reports of Mow-ite militia blockading FiF-held enclaves. Not to be outdone, the PEVionary Army has launched a counter attack on Watch HQ.

If you also wonder why Colin Niblett has been investigating non-delivery of copies of ND, it’s because Reesite ‘girlrillas’ have been advancing on Gordon Square in an attempt to capture the new Director of FiF. Why do you think there are two Colins now in the cloisters? Haven’t you seen I Was Monty’s Double?

Reform’s also blockading Giles Fraser’s BBC bunker. Lesbi-gay fighters have moved to protect the ‘Gaffer.’ Said a Grauniad editorial: ‘Reform’s latter day Cromwellians want another Gay Pride’s Purge’ (if your History GCSE was recent, see Wikipedia for the original Colonel Pride).

Watch for adverts recruiting for Porter’s platoons. Recruitment won’t be easy. Messy Church folk will only join if the beret colour matches their plasticine of the day. FiF’s reaction: ‘Berets? How Protty! Alright then, provided they’re blue & white, honouring the Argentinian Holy Father. Hold on. Check with Fr Gratian, the canon lawyer. Ask him whether Article 37 covers the Falklands’.

Alan Edwards