If you thought the joy at the Royal Wedding was exuberant, you ain’t seen nutting yet. That’s if you believe Watch. After November’s Synod we must. Wait, Watch says, until you see the national rejoicing when the first woman bishop takes up her post. Middleton’s Party Pieces are working 24/7 producing Missy Mitre dolls to decorate festive boards.

Yet there’s a downside. What can we ND hacks write about now FiF and MOW have temporarily kissed and made up as a result of Synod’s vote? No more articles attacking female ordination? No problem for me. As an AFC Wimbledon fan can always attack MK Dons. The other writers? Attack the Pilling Report? But doing this wouldn’t be Catholic. ‘Homophobia’ is for Prots.

Hold on. What’s wrong recalling England’s Protestant heritage and the defeat of the Armada? Articles slamming the Spaniards. They deserve it since they began gibbering about ‘Gib.’

The last paragraph means I’ve solved my ‘what to write’ problem. Being positive about Protestantism in ND is out of order. Watch for Cookery Notes replacing my column.

We all know that cooking columns, like their TV cousins, are the most fantastic fiction since Harry Potter. Thinking of fiction, despite the Synod’s Catholic Group seemingly welcoming the suggestions of guidance strategies and Ombudsmen to replace legislation protecting traditionalists, these ideas belong in Fairyland. With such approaches, the chances of the CofE avoiding following ECUSA and not marginalizing the orthodox, are the same as ‘Call Me Dave’ being able to negotiate a better deal for the UK with the overbearing EU.

That’s really done it. Attacking the Treaty of ROME? Better off out? Edwards, now you’re definitely out!

Where did I see that advert for the Ombudsman job?

Alan Edwards