I am the very model of a buccaneering miracle

I’ve knowledge that is erudite, historical and lyrical

You cannot fault my reasoning in matters theoretical

I know the church’s history, both accepted and heretical.

I’m very well-acquainted too with matters theological

And Apostolic Nuncios in order chronological

I’m full of information from the Almanack of Whitaker….

Ah! With many jolly facts about the Aeropagitica.


I’ve a smattering of skill from aeronautics to ecology

And lots of stuff to say about vexatious eschatology

In short in matters erudite, historical and lyrical

I am the very model of a buccaneering miracle.



I’m very well acquainted too with matters in the music zone

I entertain the punters with my energetic baritone

My take on Pagliacci is well known as a work of art

I rapturously improvise a Buxtehude pedal part.

Then I can yodel Lohengrin in twenty-seven different keys

And do a Tesco trolley dash while humming Mephistopheles

I manage all the patter sings in fluent Esperanto rhyme…

Ah! And cope with all the rubbish that you’re getting in this pantomime.


Then I can guess which keys the congregation might be passing through

And sing a page of plainsong without putting all the clefs in too

In short, in matters musical, contortionist and lyrical

I am the very model of a buccaneering miracle.



In fact, when port and starboard bows have reasonable parity

And I can tell the prow from stern with some degree of clarity

I cope with the seafaring terms of navigation history

And the purpose of the poop deck is no longer such a mystery

When I have got a better grip of pirate terminology

And clearer understanding of freebooting vexillology

My lowered self-esteem will get a booster when at last I find…

Ah! The proper definition of that well-known phrase ‘avast-behind’


When I can name a single bit of woodwork on the Temeraine

You’ll say that Captain Longjohns is a pirate extraordinaire

But still in matters erudite and musical and lyrical

I am the very model of a buccaneering miracle.

This song written by Anne Kennedy was first performed at St Stephen’s Lewisham as part of their annual pantomime which in 2017 was ‘Neverland or Bridge over the River Quaggy’ (Reviewed by Thurifer in this month’s Diary). It is sung to the tune of Major General Stanley’s song from Gilbert and Sullivan’s Operetta Pirates of Penzance.